unfinished story... cont'd

it's been 15 days since surgery.

i'm still sore, still in pain, but trying to overcome it.

will have the results in just a few days - praying all is well.

waiting hasn't been easy... especially knowing that chemo will be starting soon.

how does one prepare for chemo?

not sure anyone really knows... they say be strong, positive... easier said than done these days.
the past 3 weeks have been hell - no need to sugar coat anything.
not being able to pick up my children has killed me.

how does one stay strong and positive?
'they' say look to your faith to get through this.  
i pray and pray and pray but sometimes i don't feel like anyone is listening.
it's easy to feel hopeless - alone.
my family and friends have been a blessing - encouraging - loving.
still... the anxiety, panic attacks and fear feel like an every day occurrence
now.  all i want to do is get through this - to 'wait' it out for the next 3-4 months and all will be okay... as much as i want it to be that simple - i know my life will forever be changed.

both kids have been sick - bad colds and brynleigh with an ear infection.
poor colton has bad congestion and a cough and my heart breaks for him.
i was holding him the other day and even though he was coughing (and probably
miserable) he still smiled away like he was the happiest baby ever.
right then, as i was holding him, i decided i want to be more like him.
amazing what a 3 month old can teach you...
that no matter how miserable i am - i want to smile/laugh through it.

my heart

every time i get on here i think ... i need to update these pics!

currently it doesn't reflect my family - my whole family.

*** updating pics***

that's one thing i regret letting go - my blog.  i use to love to write -

to document all the wonderful memories of brynleigh.

now, with colton, i am determined to do the same.

better late than never - right?!?!

let's start with this...

here are a few of my favs ...

colton 0-3 months : brynleigh 2 1/2 yrs

it's amazing how much he's changed in just 3 months.

it's amazing how fast they grow.

colton:

loves to smile : loves to eat! : started giggling and 'talking' :

loves holding his head up and looking around : is doing great at tummy

time and floor time : loves attention : he's my chunky monkey, my

handsome little man, my heart.

brynleigh:

loves to dance & sing : loves to pretend play (which i absolutely love watching) :

loves her ipad and mickey and sophia and doc 'stuffins : loves to tell stories - very

dramatic with hand gestures and everything : loves her princesses : recent discovery - loves xmas and opening gifts : wants every day to be a birthday party : loves

her uncle frank (seriously) : loves ms theresa & ms tara and school :

she loves working on her 'bicycle' in the shop with daddy & grandpa :

she a smidge tomboy with a pinch of princess :

some of her favorite phrases - love you soooo much, you're best ever, that's amazing,

this delicious, mommy and/or daddy i need you, hi baby colton, love you sugar boo... could go on and on!  she's bright, beautiful, charming, funny - she's my heart.

my life is full.

i never in a million years thought it would throw me a curve ball

the way that it did.

but that's another post.

my unfinished story

this blog was originally started for my first love, Brynleigh.

i wanted something for her to have when she got older - to share her first

years of life - afterall, it's the most precious time and yet, as we get older our memories

don't seem to go back that far.

as we got the news about having another love - i told myself i needed to get back

to writing - to document feelings/thoughts as i did with her.

unfortunately time was never on my side : pregnancy made me tired, running after a 2 year old made me tired - let's face it, getting up to walk made me tired.

the pregnancy : the birth : the first 12 weeks

it all went so fast - it's like i never had the opportunity to update the blog...

to say how much i'm in love with our little man, to say how blessed i feel to have 2 beautiful children, to share the funny moments, the not so funny moments, to write something that would, one day, be read by my son to let him know how much love we have for him - just like i did for brynleigh.  with that said - i've made a promise to myself to write and document as much as i can moving forward.  with that, i'll start with my unfinished story :

our handsome little man was born November 5, 2013

colton riley wilson

never thought i could feel the same love i felt for brynleigh - but i did.

i was in awe - looking into his little eyes, holding his little hands, seeing his little smile - my life felt complete.  seeing brynleigh smile and say 'hi baby colton' just melted my heart.  when they say no two babies are the same - they ain't lying!  he was a handful when it came to feeding but we worked past it and at his 2 month appt he was already at 14lbs - our little chunky monkey!

dray and i discussed not having any more children - we got our girl, we got our boy - now let's enjoy the four of us.  i decided to get my tubes tied - i had no idea, at the time, that would be one of the most important decisions of my life.

on january 8th i went in for the tubal ligation. while in there the doc noticed a large mass protruding out of my right ovary - knowing my desire to not have anymore children, she went ahead and removed the mass, the ovary and part of the fallopian tube.   no worries and knew it would be a few days recovery time and all would be back to normal.  a few weeks after surgery i realized i wasn't healing as i thought i should and was still in pain.  called the doc and went in to get checked on january 20th.  she stated all seemed to be healing fine and the pain is probably from not taking it as easy as i should've in the beginning ('taking it easy' is a foreign phrase when you have a 2.5 year old and a 2 month old!)  she then went on to tell me the pathology report came back on the mass and my ovary - and right then - i was diagnosed with ovarian cancer.  did i just hear her right?  was this a mistake?  i couldn't move - i tried to ask questions but the words wouldn't come out.  she let me know she made me an appointment with an oncologist for the following morning.  i remember calling dray as soon as i got in the car - he was on his way to dallas for business meetings all week - i didn't want to tell him to turn around, to come back home, to hold my hand through the oncologist meeting the next day... i didn't have to... he turned right around and came back home to be with me.

january 21st we met with the oncologist.  he answered a lot of our questions and stated the pathology report came back as an invasive mucinous carcinoma.  not only was the tumor cancerous but cancer cells were found in my ovary and it was staged as IC. He stated this type of cancer usually comes from the colon, appendix or the ovary itself and in order to better stage the cancer - several things needed to be done over the next few weeks... CT Scan, colonoscopy and surgery.  I had a CT Scan that Thursday and a colonoscopy last Friday.

we met back with the oncologist on wed january 29th - the ct scan showed no additional abnormalities in my abdomen and the colonoscopy came back clean - for a brief moment i was relieved - then he goes on to say the next step is surgery and chemo.  surgery to properly stage the cancer which entails removing the other ovary, fallopian tube, uterus, cervix, appendix, lymph nodes and the fatty tissue that lines the inside of the abdomen.  chemo because the original pathology reported stage IC.  

I had the surgery last Friday with only spending one night in the hospital.  he did tell dray that while in there he noticed the same type of tumor coming out of my left ovary (but much smaller) - so that just goes to show you how fast these tumors can grow and come out of no where (wasn't there on January 8th) so we just have to wait for the test results and are scheduled to meet back with him on feb 18th to go over everything and then i will start chemo : 6 rounds, 1 every 3 weeks.  this is if everything stays as is - if something comes back on any of the biopsy's taken then a new path of treatment will be discussed.

wow - a lot to take in over 2 weeks.

this has been the longest 2 weeks of my life - as i'm sure the next 3-4 months will feel the same.

staying positive and strong is hard but i'm trying to do it... for me, my children, my husband, my family.  the hardest part is not being able to care for my children right now - and asking for help... i have to heal and i know i have to heal but all i want to do it hold them, pick them up, play with them.  i know they are in good hands - dray is a wonderful father and over the past few weeks he's been the best 'mr mom' and i will forever be grateful.  my family ; my parents, my sister, my mother-in-law, sister-in-laws... everyone has been there for us.  for me - someone who doesn't like to open up or ask for help - it's taken a little heaviness off my heart knowing my husband and children have them and their support.  

so here we are - healing, trying to understand it all, praying for strength and positive results, taking one day at a time.  one man and two little people are what makes me strong and a better person - and for them, and myself, i will fight.

thoughts of a sah*P*m

time : there's a word for ya.

where does it go - who has enough - how do you get more

just when i think i've managed to get everything done - something

manages to come up.  it's sad really : we get up at 7 pretty much every 

morning.  one would think this is plenty of time to eat breakfast, get yourself

dressed, get lo dressed, make lunch, get school stuff ready and leave the

house at 8:50.  i'm here to say... it's cutting it pretty close!!!

being a sahPm...

for generations there's been a debate on 

sahm vs working mom

everyone is a critic : right??!!??

is there really a right or wrong?

my take : it's what works for you and your family.

neither is easy - it's perception that is someones reality - whether wrong or right.

my biggest hang up is this :

i've heard time and time again that being a sahm is so easy - of course, this comment

seems to only come from non-sahm's!

each have their own perks and each, i feel, are commendable.

now... being a sahPm... there's a challenge!

i'm only speaking from my current experience :: being pregnant and

a sahm to an almost 2 1/2 year old is trying!!!

it's one thing to deal with the tantrums, the screaming, the crying, the 'you're not gonna tell me no phase' when you're 'normal'... it's another to deal with it AND deal with hormones, not being able to bend over, not being able to 'run' after lo as fast as you use to... and honestly, what's been the hardest is not being able to pick her up every time she wants... just because.

as you can tell i'm in mental countdown mode... 

32 wks 5 days... c'mon november!!

of course, i won't be upset if he comes sooner... as long as he's healthy!!!

what a whirlwind the past few months have been!

i think we have everything we need for his arrival :: at least to get us through for a little while.

it's amazing how easily one forgets what you may/may not need with a newborn :: i really had to sit and think about what i used with brynleigh!

to top off all the excitement of the arrival :: mom and dad are moving here!

yes, they are leaving muskogee!

we finally found/purchased a home and are just waiting for the sale of their home.

they have been working themselves to the bone - poor guys - but they are doing a fabulous job at 'down-sizing'... for those of you who know them knows how much 'stuff' they have... yes, that's been a challenge for mom but she's been a trooper and has really come a long way!!!

we are very excited to have them so close :: closer to mandy :: and here with their grandbabies!!!!  gotta love having those 'built in' babysitters!!!

with finalizing their house stuff, bryn starting school for the first time, awaiting the arrival of

our little man, getting the house ready for him, knowing halloween is right around the corner (nope, no costume yet) which means thanksgiving and christmas will follow and preparing and deciding on our pool build (yep, finally getting my pool!!!) :: i'm one tired momma :: but i wouldn't change it for the world!!

what keeps me going??.....

all about the pics

i truly hope i take as many pics of our second child as

i have with our first!  it's kinda getting unmanageable!!

here are just a few of my fav pics so far this year :

my little fashionista...

this little girl loves to 'dress up'

but only when she wants to!  i'm 

not sure where she's getting this from cause i certainly don't remember doing this as a child!

easter 2013

we managed to go see the bluebonnets and to have

us a little egg hunt

i left to run an errand one weekend :

left daddy in charge : come home to this...

what can one do with toilet paper?

   dress your little girl up like the 

karate kid and watch her do kicks!

gotta love daddy - daughter time!

and of course : my little angel on her 2nd birthday!

and there ya have it...

some of my favs so far this year!!

don't kid yourself : i have tons more but momma's 

been lazy getting them organized on the computer!!!

growth and change

where does the time go?

apparently 8 months can go by pretty fast!

so much has changed : so much has happened : so much to share

2012 was a year of change and growth.

change : moving, leaving the known, making a new home, learning

a new environment, wondering how and making it all work.

growth : personal change, swallowing toddlerhood, questioning motherhood,

trying to fit in, learning to make hard decisions, wondering if those decisions

were the best.

2013 : a lot more change and growth!

change : becoming pregnant.

growth : getting myself out there, raising an independent toddler, finding 

 who I really am, questioning all decisions (thanks to the hormones) and yes,

still questioning motherhood but with a lot more questions, doubts, worries

anxiety... adding one seems to bring this out in me.

this year, already, has tested a lot.

from the moment i saw those 2 pink lines - i changed.

for the good?  bad?  still debatable.

i can't explain how i felt : ecstatic, worried, excited, scared, happy, 

unsure : just too many emotions all at once.

with all the emotions there is one thing i can explain : 

my heart was happy and i felt complete knowing

we were adding to our family and brynleigh would have a sibling.

i was even more excited to find out we were having a BOY!

i am happy to say we are happy and healthy at 24 weeks.

all tests have been confirmed and now we're just waiting for

his arrival on or before (hopefully) november 12th (drays birthday) which 

would be pretty cool since it would be 11.12.13!

speaking of change and growth : my sweet brynleigh.

so, so, so much has changed : she's definitely come into her own.

she's a dancer (her all time fav to dance to is jason aldean's 1994), she's

a singer (lover her ABC's), she's an artist (getting a bit out of hand on the 

furniture!), she's a gymnist (or at least tries), she's outgoing at home but can be

oh so shy in public (always looking at mommy and/or daddy for approval first), 

her vocab has grown into sentences, she's a mommy to her dolls (her babies as she calls

them), she knows what she wants and yes still wants it now, she doesn't like night night and

beginning not to like naps (but still takes them), when she doesn't get what she wants she likes

to hit (apparently only mommy), she's learning what 'time out' means (even though mommy still

hasn't learned it), she loves loves loves to give kisses and hugs, she kisses your booboo's and wants you to kiss hers, she loves water and, i think, has finally talked daddy into a pool, 

she loves cars (thanks to daddy), she doesn't like it when you're upset (she asks, 'you k mommy' and when she falls or hits something she says 'I k,' loves asking where

everyone is (where daddy? where nana? where aunt mimi? where frank? where ma? where papa? where aunt weewee?...), has her own style...

i could go on and on : i have a very happy, independent, growing toddler and i love it.

pics coming soon, promise.

hopefully it won't take me so long to post again!!!

until then...

summing it all up

is it me or does it seem there's just not enough time during the day... to do anything?!?

sometimes i wake up and within an hour of being up i already wish the day was over... just to realize the day is over and nothing i wanted to do got accomplished!!!

ahh - the wonderful world of being a mommy!!!

the past few months have given me so much joy!  i worried so much about bryn not walking - second guessing myself and wondering if we were going to have to carry her into kindergarten!!  :)  she took her first independent steps on october 3rd... not just a few steps but walked back and forth across the room!  I almost fell off the treadmill!!!

since then it's been a whirlwind here!  i was told not to worry and once she starts walking i'll probably wish she wasn't... but i gotta say... there's not a minute that goes by that i wish she wasn't walking, getting into everything, exploring, etc... i've loved, loved, loved watching her grow, explore and teaching her different things.  it's amazing how much she picks up - i sometimes notice her taking her blanket and rubbing it across the coffee table or floor (like mommy does when she cleans up) - or carrying her purse on her forearm like mommy does - it's so cute!!!  instead of saying 'ya' when you ask her something she'll shake her head yes or no and actually say the words - when i say 'you want to go outside?' she'll look for her shoes and sit on the floor waiting for me to put them on - at meal time i'll say 'come help me cook' and she'll run into the kitchen... not so much helping as emptying the cabinets and pantry!

i can't believe how much she's growing up.... i'll sometimes sit and think to myself - i don't want this time to go away!  i want her to stay just as she is!!  Then, of course, that leads me to think about having another... that is still TBD!!!  :)

A lot has happened since last post so i'll sum it all up with a photo bomb!!

first - had to share this one.  we were at Subway eating lunch because we had installers at our home putting in floors... the man at the next table starting talking to her... she kinda ignored him at first... then she smiled a little and when the man kept trying to talk to her she does this...

she's like... I'm trying to eat here mister!!!  i was cracking up!!

daddy daughter day.... dray took her to the pumpkin patch with the family.

she got to spend time with her 2 cousins emmalynn and caleb and got to pick out her first pumpkin!

here we are at a pre-halloween carnival Grandpa was working at... she had a great time looking at all the people and pushing her stroller and getting her first lollipop!

our little lady bug for halloween!  no trick-or-treating... just played outside for a bit to look at the trick-or-treaters

GAME DAY!!  all excited to put our lsu attire on for the big game... she even practiced her touch down... unfortunately it didn't end well!!

and here are the many faces of miss b...

miss b... loves hats, bracelets, necklaces, purses and sunglasses!

bracelets consist of anything and everything she can put on her wrist.  her fav necklace is purple mardi gras beads she somehow found and her purse is usually a small bag she finds... only sometimes will she use her actual purse!!!

in case you're wondering... the top right pic is her with a dish towel on her head cause she couldn't find her hat and just had to have one!!

i think that about sums it all up!!!

we finally got family pics done over the weekend... unfortunately she was not having it so we're hoping we at least got a few good ones!!!

we can't wait for thanksgiving - we'll be going to aunt mandy's house in BR so i'm sure i'll have tons of pics to share!!!!!  

until then...